Making space for human connection makes space for more joy

Did you know that people with better relationships experience more success and happiness?

It’s true. Prioritizing deep relationships has positive, long-lasting results. This Harvard study, almost 80 years old, has proved that embracing community helps us live longer and be happier. Nurturing a few warm relationships is the best thing we can do for our well-being.

The more direct our communication, the more intimate it is, helping us build those warm relationships we need. To get started, here are…

3 Keys to Quality Conversation

Key #1: It’s engaging. 

In a real conversation, both people are “doing it” the entire time: someone is talking, and someone is listening, taking it in, and responding with thoughts of their own. Rinse and repeat. An actual conversation means dialogue (roughly “two speaking” in Ancient Greek). Not one person is talking, and the other person looking at their phone and maybe nodding. Not one person talking and the other person waiting for their chance to say whatever they would say anyway.

Key #2: It’s genuine. 

It isn’t one or both people just repeating things they saw online or read somewhere; it’s not someone saying something to try to make the other person think or feel a certain way about them; it’s not making things up just to fill the silence. Genuine conversations are about thoughts or feelings that matter to us, and we’re making ourselves a little vulnerable when we express them to the other person- and bond with them because they’ll make themselves vulnerable to us when they speak.

Key #3: It creates something new. 

As I said before, a real conversation isn’t just two people repeating memes at each other or talking past each other. But it’s more than just avoiding that- a real conversation should leave both people thinking or feeling something new or different than when they started. You should learn something, get a new perspective, or know the other person more deeply when you’re finished. This can be simple (“I know now that Rachel REALLY loves pickles”) or deep (“That conversation has completely changed how I feel about an issue I’ve felt strongly about my whole life.”)

Try It

Pick someone you’re willing to do those things with- even if it’s just to a small degree (you don’t have to bare your soul if you don’t want to). Honestly, can’t find a partner? Call a friend or family member you haven’t spoken to in a long time.

Find a quiet, comfortable place where you can speak at normal volume, feel like you have enough privacy, and don’t mind sitting still for at least 15 minutes.

Device-Free

Make it clear to your partner that neither of you will use devices throughout the time (you can use an alarm or stopwatch on your phone if you’re really worried about your willpower). Also, make it clear that either of you can stop at any time if it isn’t working (though try to stick with it for at least 15 minutes- some of the best conversations have challenging silences and awkward moments that you have to push through to get to the good stuff).

Pick a Topic

Bring a topic to your conversation, or ask your partner if they want to discuss anything. Keep the topic clear and specific, like, “Let’s talk about the weird noises in the common room in the morning,” or “I’ve been having a tough time getting to the gym every week,” or “I really don’t like the new law that got passed in the city this month.”

Try not to begin with a question- that doesn’t leave you much room to develop the topic. Begin with a statement that invites the person to compare their thoughts and feelings to yours. Then just let it go! 

Great conversations happen naturally when we’re intentional and genuine- humans are designed to do this a LOT. Real conversation nurtures, entertains, enlightens, educates, and invigorates; there isn’t much for our well-being that it can’t do!

A good and loving conversation is an express route to joy.